There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
