i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
