Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
