South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
