So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
