my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
