I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
