update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
