Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
