So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
