i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
