Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
