I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I would ride that face into the sunset
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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