shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
