That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
