I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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