I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
