i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
