he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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