Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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