I think scott just propositioned me for sex
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
