It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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