I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
