dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
