If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
