my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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