i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I think i peed on brittanys purse
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
not ubering you a puppy
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
