Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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