May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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