dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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