i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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