we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize