i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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