Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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