my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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