Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize