I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
