I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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