Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
