dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
