he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
