We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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