I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
