Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
