I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
