you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
