I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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