I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
