We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
