Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
