He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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