I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
