I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
