So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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