I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
