i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
