Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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