I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
