We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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